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Stuff my students say: attendance edition
See also: Stuff my students say (original flavor)
What my students say What my students mean I’m sick. As you are aware from my prolific and detailed Facebook updates, I was up very late last night making poor health choices, and now wish to be excused from established course or lesson expectations. I’m not sick. I’m very sick, and by the end of this hour, you will be, too. I have to go to the registrar/bank/doctor/store, and this is the only time I can do it. For some reason, even though I’m enrolled in your class during this time, I think this is a “time I can do it.” I have a family/fraternity/church/extracurricular thing that I have to go to. I wish to make choices but not suffer consequences. I’m going to be honest: I haven’t practiced, so I don’t want to waste your time. I believe that honesty, rather than being seen as a baseline expectation for civilized conversation, should be considered a noble enough gesture to excuse my failure to meet expectations. Did I miss anything important in class? I think your class is mostly time fillers and stalling, with the few “important” things scattered throughout the semester. I have something I have to do for another class. My other class is too important to blow off, but yours isn’t. Don’t worry, I already know the material. Expect me to crash and burn, hard, at the exam/jury. Stuff my students say
What my students say What my students mean I was too busy to practice this week. My choices this week did not include practicing. I can play it perfectly when nobody is listening, I promise! When somebody is listening, I’m suddenly painfully aware of problems with my playing that I ignored in the practice room. I can play it, just not with the metronome. I can play the correct pitches in the correct order, but not with enough fluency to put each note where it belongs in time. In other words, I can’t play it. Right now I’m just trying to get the notes. I’ll add in the dynamics and articulations later. I might eventually get the “notes,” but don’t bet on me ever observing any of the other markings. The thing is, I’m just not good at _____ (rhythms, high notes, low notes, technical passages, lyrical passages, dynamic contrasts…). I wish to be excused from improving my playing. This _____ (etude, repertoire piece, technical exercise…) is boring. The way I’m playing it is boring. I practiced until I got it right! I played it wrong 99 times, then right once. Guess which will happen in my lesson, rehearsal, or performance? You’re mean. I’m unprepared. Woodwind t-shirts now available
I won’t make a habit of posting advertisements here, but I wanted to make you all aware of a new way you can support what I do here at bretpimentel.com while also increasing your own cool factor. Behold the woodwind doubler t-shirt:

the agency sent Sven, their most broodingly handsome t-shirt model It’s a nice quality American Apparel tee available in a variety of attractive and fashionable colors, with the logo in either black or white. A modest profit goes toward keeping the lights on here at your favorite woodwind blog and supports development of additional projects (like, for example, the Woodwind Doubling in Musicals list or the Fingering Diagram Builder).
The 5-instrument shirt is especially awesome, but there is also a saxophone-clarinet-flute version for the classic doubler, an oboe-bassoon version for the masochist, and a saxophone quartet version for those who want to “double” but prefer not to learn any new fingerings. I thought the four saxophone reeds looked sort of like cell phone reception “bars,” so there’s also a version with a dumb joke.

these images are simulated 
women’s styles, too

There’s probably still time for holiday delivery if you order soon. Order now and be the best-dressed in the orchestra pit.
Internet forum field guide: the all-too-frequently asked questions
Welcome to the third installment of the Internet Forum Field Guide, a look at the wildlife that inhabits woodwind-related online message boards and forums. (Be sure to check out the first and second episodes as well.)
Today we look at common questions that are asked on the message boards. The diverse and varied answers as they appear in the wild are a discussion for another day; for brevity’s sake I will just provide the simplest, most accurate answer for each question.
Q. Hi you guys, rather than getting lessons with a teacher in my area, I figured I would become an amazing player by asking vaguely-worded questions here and getting a bunch of conflicting and possibly poorly-informed replies. Is this going to go well?
A. No.
Q. Hi you guys, I have ill-advisedly acquired an instrument of some make or model with which I am not suitably familiar. Can you please tell me that it was a really great find and is rare and desirable and “worth” some fantastic and precise amount of money?
A. No.
Q. Hi you guys, I do not by any stretch have sufficient disposable funds to obtain an instrument of playable quality. Can you recommend a model that is of the highest professional caliber but can be purchased for an unrealistically low cost?
A. No.
Q. Hi you guys, I am a student at one of the finest music schools, and I have weekly if not daily access to a very distinguished and successful teacher of my instrument. Since you all are perfect strangers and have undetermined credentials, would it be a good idea for me to ask you for suggestions on repertoire, equipment, and technique?
A. No.
Q. Hi you guys, if we each made a detailed list of all the instruments and accessories that we individually use, and posted them publicly here for some reason, would that be in any way interesting or useful?
A. No.
This concludes another episode of the Internet Forum Field Guide. Be careful out there.
Introducing ReedCast™: scientific woodwind reed quality forecasting
I’m pleased to announce a new tool available on this site. Woodwind players know that the way a reed plays is subject to factors like elevation, temperature, humidity, and atmospheric pressure. There’s never a guarantee that a reed will play the same way today as it did yesterday. While break-in methods or storage systems may help mitigate some of this, being forearmed with as much information as possible is key to consistent reed performance.
I have spent the past few months compiling and studying as much research as I could gather about environmental factors’ effects on woodwind reeds, and developing an algorithm to process this information into reed quality “forecasts.” It’s not perfect, of course, but so far I have found it to do a surprisingly satisfactory job.
So, I built a web application, ReedCast™, around it. It is rough around the edges but pretty simple to use: you select your instrument (oboe/EH, clarinet, bassoon, saxophone) and your location. ReedCast™ uses your location to retrieve elevation and current weather conditions. Then you press the “Go!” button, and ReedCast™ does its thing.
Go try it out! If you are interested, you can also check out the science behind the forecasting algorithm (warning: technical, with math).
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Took way too much time and with way too much pomp for a bassoon. Just throw it in already!
I simply cannot understand why anyone would relish the destruction of a musical instrument, whether redundant or not. What is the point you are trying to make? I think the clips mar what is otherwise an excellent and constructive website.