Enter with caution.

If you frequent any of the various woodwind-related Internet message boards, forums, or listservs, you have undoubtedly encountered some of the wildlife I will describe here. Remember that they can be dangerous creatures, and that it is often best not to attempt interaction with them.

One of the most common animal behaviors witnessed on the message boards is the exchange of gear recommendations. There are two primary families of wildlife the participate in this ritual: the askers and the answerers.

The askers

The askers all share a common behavioral trait: a proclivity for asking total strangers to blindly recommend instruments, mouthpieces, reeds, and other items. Their calls are varied.

Some prefer to remain hidden in the underbrush, offering no clarifying details:

hey guys first time on this board what reedz should I use lolz

Others have a more elaborate song, characterized by pointless oversharing:

Hi, I’m 13 and I have been playing the sax for 3 yrs and 2 months and I RLLY want to sound like David Kozborn and I have a pink Unicorn sax that is the best kind they sell on Amazon and its an E flat alto and I use a SmoothTone mouthpiece size .79c-plus-lyre-medium and Nabisco alto sax reeds size 4.725 but I sand them down to a 4.720 and a Goodyear extra-lite jazz-edition interchangeable-plate ligature but I’m gonna get the super-extra-lite for my birthday and I was wondering what neckstrap should I get. Also I play left-handed.

Still others exhibit a particularly puzzling behavior, seeking recommendations online when they clearly have much better resources at hand:

So I’m a senior flute performance major at Flagship State U. and I take weekly lessons and masterclasses from my flute professor who is the principal in the Major Metropolitan Symphony. Also there are three major flute specialist retailers within an hour’s drive of where I live. So, since none of you Internet people are familiar with my playing, can you recommend a good headjoint, preferably something costing over $2,000?

The answerers

One typical answerer behavior is the terse, non-specific reply, often submitted within seconds of the original post, and sometimes without reading it completely:

yamaha

Others take time to establish their own dominance in the food chain:

i have bin playing clairnet for 3 wks at my school and im pretty sure the best kind is Dandorin or somethin like that

Many have very specific recommendations to make. These recommendations are often for instruments that are no longer manufactured, and take the tone of an aged grandparent explaining to a bored grandchild how no good cars have been made since 1949.

What you really need is the SuperLoud Model 5B. Despite the fact that I mention them in every forum post, nobody seems realize they are the best instrument ever made. There are 40 of them on eBay right now, none of them with bids yet. Yeah, sure, lots of professionals and educators recommend specifically against them,  but you should probably listen to me instead of them. Remember, it’s all part of a conspiracy between the mafia, the government, Buffet Crampon, and PepsiCo.

Of course, some have finer tastes and will only recommend the most expensive options:

Make sure you get one from the WWII era, preferably post-Anschluss but prior to the occupation of the Sudetenland. It will cost as much as a kidney transplant and will require about the same amount of maintenance. It’s expensive but there’s no other way to sound like a real pro. Also, you won’t have to worry about the nuisances of modern instruments, like ergonomic keywork and good intonation.

A certain variety of answerer sees every equipment query as a chance to boast about his or her own acquisitions.

Well, personally I like to use my Mach III for jazz and for music indigenous to the Indian subcontinent, but I prefer my trusty Emperor Superb 49 for reggae and baroque. Of course I also bring both of my Dynamo-Actions on gigs, the nickel-plated one in case we do a ballad and the one with the auxiliary G key in case the temperature in the venue is over 76°F. Plus if my wife isn’t using the van I bring the Mach III½, the Mach IV, the Mach IVB, the Admiral, the Très Inutiles Deluxe, and a harmonica made of solid gold.

And often there is an opportunist waiting to pounce:

I have a 1962 Gewährleistungsausschlußregel that I can sell you cheap. Trust me, this is the only instrument you will ever need. It’s perfect except it needs all new pads and the lower joint is missing. Plays great. Email me dude.

If you dare to observe these creatures in their natural habitat, I strongly recommend that you bring insect repellent and a large grain of salt. (With that warning in mind, check out some woodwind doubling, flute, oboe, clarinet, bassoon, saxophone, wind controller, and/or ethnic woodwind forums.)

…and a clarinet.

I’ll leave this website up for now, but I hope you will all check out my new project:

Bret Pimentel, brass

Take the spelling test

• 

  Here, Dr. Coleman models the new flute case cover from Cavallaro, featuring simulated shearling liner and spacious accessory pocket.

  Flutists in the news: NASA astronaut Cady Coleman makes music in outer space.

• Artist Matthias Adolfsson proposes some new members of the woodwind family.
• Musicians can save the world, over at Betsy’s blog.
• Esther at Obohemia explains how to tell the flute, the clarinet, and the oboe apart.
• And this one is from me: some holiday fun with one of Butch Hall‘s amazing Native American flutes. One of the loveliest instruments I own. Merry Christmas to those who are celebrating it.

  Play

Woodwind practicing also improves your spittle production.

Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams gave his interesting take on practicing today on his blog.

I’ve spent a ridiculous number of hours playing pool, mostly as a kid. I’m not proud of that fact. Almost any other activity would have been more useful. As a result of my wasted youth, years later I can beat 99% of the public at eight-ball. But I can’t enjoy that sort of so-called victory. It doesn’t feel like “winning” anything.

It feels as meaningful as if my opponent and I had kept logs of the hours we each had spent playing pool over our lifetimes and simply compared. It feels redundant to play the actual games.

I see the same thing with tennis, golf, music, and just about any other skill…

Read the whole thing here.

While there certainly are other factors that can affect a musician’s success, I do tend to think that a primary predictor of a musician’s ability level is the number of hours logged in quality, focused practice. With a challenging solo recital on the schedule for tomorrow night, there is a certain kind of appeal to the notion of walking on stage, displaying a log of the hours I’ve put in, taking a bow, and making my exit. But instead I’ll hope that the time I’ve put in practicing will make “victory” a sure thing.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan: Not, as far as we know, a woodwind player.

Well, it looks like we’re going to have to wait a while longer for a woodwind player on the US’s highest court. Oboist Diane Wood, previously a candidate for the Supreme Court vacancy, has been passed over in favor of newly-confirmed Elena Kagan. I’m sure that, despite her presumably total inability to play the oboe, she will serve her nation well.

Yesterday the LA Times ran an op-ed by Meghan Daum, herself a recovering oboe player, entitled “The Supreme Court could use an oboist.” Here are the good parts:

The oboe isn’t just an instrument; it’s a way of life. … Playing the oboe means living your life entirely at the mercy of tiny wooden double reeds that crack at inopportune moments (weirder and more awful yet, you’re supposed to make them yourself as though you were a 19th century artisan). It also means blowing so hard into them that you risk a brain aneurysm every time you try to hit a high D. It also means you’re a huge nerd.

And speaking for myself and so many others in the oboe community, I don’t think it’s an overstatement to suggest that even if Wood had no judicial experience at all, even if she’d never even gone to law school — heck, even if she were a fifth-grader squawking out “Ode to Joy” on a plastic Bundy — she’d still probably be more qualified for the Supreme Court bench than anyone else in the pool. Why? Because oboists may vary in talent, discipline, ethnicity, gender and taste in unfashionable clothes, but we all have one thing in common: We’re just about the most judgmental people on the face of the Earth.

Where does our judgmentalism come from? The same place as everyone’s: insecurity, self-loathing, anger at parents (which oboists have in high doses because most of us had parents who forced us to play the oboe).

Thanks to Michael Kibbe for the tip about the LA Times article.

Judge Diane Wood, oboist

Federal judge and oboist Diane Wood is reportedly under consideration to fill a Supreme Court vacancy.

Wood has demonstrated a willingness to challenge her fellow jurists without offending, say lawyers and clerks who have observed her in court. Those attributes may be an asset as President Barack Obama considers her to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on an often-divided U.S. Supreme Court…

Wood, 59, who plays oboe in the Chicago Bar Association Symphony Orchestra, was one of four people interviewed by Obama last year before he picked Sotomayor.

You can read the whole article at businessweek.com.

Judge Wood was also profiled on swamppolitics.com last year, when she was previously considered for appointment to the high court:

Virtually every Wednesday evening, Diane Wood leaves one courthouse and travels a few blocks to another for a two-hour rehearsal with the Chicago Bar Association Symphony, an ensemble where she has played the oboe and English horn for roughly two decades.

Like virtually every aspect of her life, from the multiple languages she speaks to the tomatoes she grows, the federal appeals court judge approaches her music from the perspective of a perfectionist.

“There are people who play notes and people who play music. She plays music,” said Chicago lawyer and clarinetist John Vishneski, who has sat next to her throughout her symphony tenure. “She understands what she is playing.”

Read more about the Chicago Bar Association Symphony Orchestra here.